i'm so fuckng pissed! another gimick ruined! hay naku! it would have been really fun but no!! there is no such thing as fun anymore in my world!! Katee and I were talking about it the other day... school's not as fun anymore. i miss 1-2!!! dont get me wrong our class is great but 1-2 just different! so much has happened things are changing again. Not as much as they did last year though but things have just gotten to be so different. I look back at what things were like two years ago... damn we've gone a long way! things are so different now. I know i oughta be used to them but i wish the world could just stop even just for a second so maybe just maybe i could catch up! every day Katee and I are like damn this is like the OC!! lol!! yuck ang feeling... but it's true. Katee i have a perfect line "When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know your alive..." your  life song! there are so many things on my mind I wish i had the guts to say but i just cant find the courage to let the world know how I really feel... i dont even know why I started this blog in the first place. I cant even be honest with myself... what makes me think I can be honest with the world???

yesterday i had an OC marathon i watched the first few episodes of the 2nd season. watching it wasnt as annoying as i thought it would be, it got better once you got used to ther fact ryan and marissa arent exaclty what they used to be... anyways yesterday my parents and i went to the wake of the my friend's lolo. it reminded me a lot of my own lola's wake. to be honest i think ive forgotten about her for a while now. i mean dont get me wrong i remember her everyday. heck her room used to be right next to mine. plus there are still pictures of her all over the house. and how could i forget lola? but what i'm trying to say is though i remember her i havent really felt her. i guess its cause ever since this year started things just havent been going my way i find difficulty in adjusting to the new changes not only about what happend in third term but i guess dealing with things i thought i wouldnt have to be dealing with just yet... well its not exactly happening to me jst yet but the fact that its happening to the people around me like say my friends. its disturbing (yes katee i'm talking about our conversation yesterday. it really got to me. it's annoying!! LOL) it's wrong! but despite all that i'm glad my friends are dealing with it well. anyways i dont feel so bad anymore i think... what i've been feeling bad about for the past months or maybe even the past years doesnt upset anymore. i can be happy with or without it. besides i think i found a new way to sort of replaced what i lost in skating (but then ofcourse nothng can replace my passion for skating) congradulations chiara you have a found a new hobby!!! well i havent really started yet but my dad's fixing it. this new hobby doesnt really seem like me infact not at all but i'm willing to give it a shot. i think it will be everything i was looking and hoping for in skating that i could never find or have due to some circumstances. i think i'm beginning to accept the fact that last years gold was it for me. that was the end of my skating days although i still continued after that. i believe that last year's competition was my time. although it didnt exactly go as i imagined. gold is gold. i fulfilled my dream. when i think about it this way i dont have any hang ups nor regrets about skating. cause this way it didnt seem like a quit (which i didnt!!!) it seems like it ended and it ended well. so good for me!!:) about this new hobby it can be associated with skating in a lot of not so obvious ways. my biggest fear about this new hobby is that well... if i do make it, if i excel in it will i be happy? will i be me? i mean skating is a part of me for a while it was who i was and it still is. this new hobby i feel will make me who i want to be but on the other hand skating is who i am. will i be happy becoming the person i want to be? or will i miss being me? so.... to be who i want to be? or to be who i am, to be me....???? i guess i'll never know unless i try.

wow i have a blog!!! along with billions of other people... so how does this thing work exactly??? supposed to be like a diary right??? well duh chiara!! okay so anyways today i got home from ate's house!! had lots of fun there as usual! its gonna be a long time before i can come over again i think. I hate this! it sucks!! a true sign that summer is almost indeed over! wow summer's almost over and i start a blog! nice chiara!! anyways i've been feeling down lately other than the fact that i do not like whats heppening in the 2nd season of the OC!!! I've been feeling alone. guess its this time of year again. better not be too open cn liara people are gonna read this remember?? i cant help it! feeling like this i mean... so much has changed over the year and i guess i'm just afraid of what i might have to give up or what i might loose in the coming year... i mean dont get me wrong if things hadnt changed then they wouldnt be the way they are now and honestly besides a few skating issues i can honsetly say i'm happy! in fact if i had a chance, if i had a choice i wouldnt change anything that happend this year. hey after watching "Butterfly Effect" who would?? the only regret i have though is skating... more of quiting i mean... this summer i must say was incomplete without it. i think about it a lot... what it would have been like if i had my way with skating...if i continued, if i hadnt stopped from the momment i started, i wonder where and who i'd be now? i mean who would have thought i would have ever given it up i mean i fought so hard to do it you know... to give it up just like that its suicide!! i know that sound a little extreme but skating was a part of me it was my identity... to quit and give it all up...it felt like giving ME up, evrything i am and everything i should be. after that i just felt lost... and maybe now i still do?? i dont know...right now i just feel lost.... i gota go... hows that for a first entry??? wasnt exactly what i was aiming for... i mean i wanted something a little more happy and stupid you know a little more me but i guess this was just what was on my mind and thats what this is supposed to be for right??

" i dont want to be anything other than what i've been trying to be lately..."